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So, a Republican has won an election, and you know what that means. Jimmy Carter has to stay alive for four more years. It’s also time for liberals to tell themselves that they’re still right about everything and their hysteria and delusions of persecution are perfectly normal.
Yet, right now, they’re melting like that stick of butter Joy Behar keeps between her thighs to prevent chafing. Case in point, last night, all the other late-night hosts threw a hissy fit. It’s too bad Tim Walz is still grieving or he could send them all a sack of industrial strength tampons. Poor Jimmy. True, it was a terrible night for women, children and for the hundreds of thousands of hard-working immigrants who cut his lawn.
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JIMMY KIMMEL: It was a terrible night for women, for children, for the hundreds of thousands of hardworking immigrants who make this country go. For healthcare, for our climate, for science, for journalism, for justice, for free speech. It was a terrible night for poor people, for the middle class, for seniors who rely on Social Security. For our allies in Ukraine, for NATO, for the truth. And democracy and decency. And it was a terrible night for everyone who voted against him. And guess what? It was a bad night for everyone who voted for him, too. You just don’t realize it yet.
You know what? If I ever cry on TV, it’ll be because Maroon 5 put out a new song. But that’s it ya big ****. Now, remember when Johnny Carson cried like a baby over Ronald Reagan getting elected? Yeah, neither do I. And you know why he didn’t? Because his wife didn’t keep his balls in a Tupperware container next to a box of tofu burgers. But the killer phrase was at the end when Kimmel said, “You just don’t realize it.” Because you see, he’s smarter than you and he needs you to know that. And his ego can’t bear that there’s someone out there more famous and more influential than him. I got news for you, Kimmel. The last time you mattered, Bruce Jenner still had a penis.
I love you, Bruce.
Caitlyn Jenner arrives at the 2016 Vanity Fair Oscar Party Hosted By Graydon Carter at Wallis Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts on February 28, 2016 in Beverly Hills, California. (John Shearer/Getty Images)
Jimmy’s career peaked with busty girls on trampolines. Now the only boob we see is him. He once co-hosted the Man show. Now he’s sobbing like he just watched Steel Magnolias three days into his menstrual cycle. Here’s another morose multimillionaire.
STEPHEN COLBERT: Hey there. How are you doing? If you watch the show regularly, I’m guessing you’re not doing great. Yeah, me neither.
You’re not doing great? You’re filthy rich and totally immune from the crap you push on everyone else. By the way, I’m actually doing fine, Stephen. Other than the 48-hour erection I’ve had since they called Pennsylvania, I’m feeling no pain, bro.
But, Stephen, have you tried maybe just getting over yourself? You’ve been bashing Trump for eight years, and all you’ve done is help put him back in power. After being wrong about something every day and night for eight years, you might consider trying something new, like, I don’t know, comedy. But at least Seth Meyers reveals the source of his anguish — relevance. Trump has it. He doesn’t.
SETH MEYERS: We live in an infinite time warp where Donald Trump has always been and will always be the center of the universe. There can be no escape. All hail our powerful and benevolent supreme leader.
Hmmm, or how about you just do your dumb little comedy show and stop acting like you tried to save the world, but we were too ungrateful to listen to your brilliance. NBC’s late-night show used to be wacky high jinks until Seth turned it into an hour with your gay therapist. So these fellows are experiencing deep mental pain. And it’s not just them. Journalists are now offering tips to deal with their disappointment, frustration, even fear. And I get it. That’s normal after any loss.
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I’m still mad about losing World’s Sexiest Man to Johnny Depp. But why would people feel fear? Maybe because they’re only news sources are constantly telling them Trump’s going to turn America into Nazi Germany. But you know who felt actual fear during the Biden administration? People who had to ride the subway or have to buy groceries or anybody who wants to bang a chick who doesn’t have testicles. That’s a lot of people. But now, even Kamala admits everything’s going to be fine. So much for Trump being Hitler. Turns out she was lying the whole time. They all were.
Still, CBS gave handy tips for coping with loss. CNN recommends taking deep breaths, long walks. And please, don’t suppress your emotions. Usually when they cry this much, they’re sharing an elevator with Brian Stelter on Taco Tuesday. And so, the media is giving you solutions to the problems they caused.
After all, who generated all the anxiety by promising the apocalypse if Trump won? They did. It’s like climate hysteria. They bang the drum on it enough and then kids came down with climate stress.
Look at Kimmel and Colbert, they’re f*** wrecks because they believe the media. And yet, we’re fine because we weren’t brainwashed. We know the media’s job is to lie to create anxiety out of proportion to the actual threat or no threat at all.
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Journalists really only need to give you one tip to manage stress and that’s stop paying attention to journalists. Maybe these late-night losers will stop thinking that the world is ending because we know under Trump it’s really just beginning.